Nothing to blog about, just want to waste some time and do anything but facing my assignment now. D: I'm surrounded by books now, imagine a U-shaped mini wall built with books surrounding my laptop and I. Yes, that's the type of condition I like to be in when I'm doing my assignment and hence that's the reason why I don't do my assignment anywhere else but my own room. I do not want people thinking I'm retarded, so I should stay in my own comfort zone. All the boys are in the library from morning until now, I'm so proud of them! I'm rushing to finish this assignment tonight because I want to watch Willy and Felix basketball competition tomorrow. LOLOL I'm such a nice housemate.

Hello to the somebody I used to know. (: I was finding for my notes last night, and I found those 2 papers, sweet times, but it's a past now. Your aim for the notes was to remind me of you, Checked, considered that done for 2012.

I used this one whole week to bum, to take a break from things rushing through my life now. I feel everything around me are passing me by quickly, I don't even have enough time to catch my breath. If only I can rewind back, i would like to go back to last year or college times or high school times. When times are happier and lazier. I'm those type of people who prefer to work at their own pace, in layman's term we are the slackers and lazy ass. Assignments and books, I'm coming to you soon, Monday I'll be a normal student again. ((: pinky promise.

The thought of losing everything I have now, scares me. Will I still be able to be the usual me, the past 20 years me? I know I tend to change according to the environment and surrounding friends. What if I lose this ability? Does that mean I won't be able to fit in easily the next time? Does that mean if I lose them this time, I'll lose everything? I'm afraid of losing my presence in this comfort zone. But I'm also curious of all the things that my future will bring, to change or not?

Is it more tiring to stay constant or change? The energy used to stay constant, make sure everything stays the same, blocks every other unfamiliar things and lock myself up in my comfort zone, is this energy bigger or smaller than changing? Changing into whoever according to different social groups and shape myself following the surrounding environment. I personally think that staying constant requires more effort because it's difficult and boring.

Can I be less lazy? Can I be more disciplined? Can I be less boyish? Can I be a nicer person? Can I be taller? Can I be thinner? Can I be more daring? Can I be smarter? Can I be less lazy? I know what's wrong with myself but I have no intention to change them at all. Thus, I'm here being a whiner. LOL!

Discipline, one major thing I'm lacking now. ((: Go Go!

I used to blog for people, not everyone, but to just one person. I don't know when this habit grew in me, it probably started during my AUSMAT year. I blogged because I secretly hoped that person will still come to my blog occasionally, just to catch up with my life, even if it's just a few words and a very brief update. But now, I feel like I blog to remind me of certain things in life, to keep my memories in a place where I can come back and read them. Probably because I feel older and older by days, geez! -.-!

This semester has been quite different from past semesters, I feel like I'm not placed properly in those 4 units, I don't know how to explain but yeah, basically just very lost. Maybe the idea of this might be my final semester is stressing me up or maybe I really did picked the wrong units after all. But for whatever reason, it's too late to undo now because the final day to change our enrollment was yesterday. I spent the last 3 hours taking a nap because I really don't know should I make any changes to my current units. So I chose to avoid the issue by doing what I do best, sleep. Hah. So, I'm stuck with this 4 units on my last semester with nearly no confidence in myself.

So, yesterday night, I decided to go to OCF again, was hoping I'll get some enlightenment from the session. I know it's really normal for a speaker to talk about choices in life and life's plan in the beginning of the semester, but it really did good to me. She said whatever choices we've made now, they'll never be wrong, it's up to how we see them and what's our perspective towards them. So, don't regret whatever choices we made now and don't over-think every single steps we want to take. We should enjoy the mess we are in now because someday somehow we'll be out of it and live a life we've always wanted. My art is always beautiful to me and people who appreciate me.

(: Thank you Elijah's aunt.

Jeremiah 18:4
"And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it."

Hello world. Class just started, the thought of this might be my last semester of my university life makes me so motivated to go class, because working sucks. This also means I'm back in Melbourne, gaining weight since I stepped on this country like its some natural flow of my Melbourne life. FML! I miss Martabak and fried wonton twin in Indonesia, )): sigh. What else to say, er, oh, I currently don't hate Ronaldo anymore and I like Neymar! :D very irrelevant and stupid but I'm just trying to make this as long as possible. I've been downloading and watching On Call 36 Hours, which is killing my internet quota. Astro On Demand is the evil of all evils! I'm waiting for this drama to end then I'll stop downloading shows, pinky promise self. Anyway, just want to briefly revive this place, blowing away the habuk (forgotten the exact word in English) from this area. No, honestly, I want to sleep now because I have an 8am class tomorrow but my hair is still wet. Went to church last Sunday, prayed for a few things and one already came true. Thank God. ((: I hope everyone have a great Friday tomorrow.

Goodnight people.

I've been playing Minesweeper non stop for almost 2 weeks ever since I installed it because of watching Numb3rs. I ditched Temple Run for it, before this I was crazy about Temple Run. I'm sorry games, I can't spread my game attention to two, I'm a loyal gamer. Lmao! Every time I'm playing Minesweeper, people will stare at me and ask me "how this game works?" They actually stare at me as though Minesweeper is some crazy game, brainstorm level equals with plotting on taking over the Earth. Makes me feel so smart, I'm sorry, I rarely get that feeling so let me enjoy it while I still can. Haha! And now I'm going to proceed to Mario! Bored of Minesweeper already :D

Sleeping at 7am and wakes up at 4pm, almost everyday, for almost 2 weeks. I need to fix my biological clock. No, I actually tried, forced myself to sleep at 1am on Saturday and ended up with zero hour of sleep that day. Aunty gave me a sleeping pill and I slept at 2pm. FML! I really want to fix my sleeping time, I don't want to live like this. I've been thinking maybe the reason I can't sleep early is because I didn't use up my energy? Probably due to the fact that my usual daily routine involve a lot of sitting and lying down. So, I took the effort to move a lot today, but Bloodyhell I still can't sleep now. What do you want from me? Give me the bloody sleeping dust or whatsoevermagicalstuff! Sigh, such cranky and angry child. (shakes head) Goodnight ugly world.

A picture of me years ago, when in my mind I is above everything, LMAO! Nothing is more important than feeding myself and chasing for the Yuen's chicken wings. Those overrated wings which I always lose in the snatching battle! Pfft! Anyway, I'm here to waste some time, shit some shits. -.-! In 18 days, I'll be in Jakarta. In 21 days, I'll be in Melbourne. In 22 days, I'll start class, my last semester if everything goes smoothly *fingers crossed*. I'm still in the holiday mood, summer break is too long for anyone, bloodyhell I chill for 3 months and suddenly I'm thrown into the study world again. SIGH! Y U NO give me 6 months alternate break, like an even numbered months break. I prefer odd number tho, because 9 is an odd number. Heh. Yes, if the future me gets to be a President or Prime Minister or maybe The Queen of any country, that will be my first rule! WTF VOTE FOR ME! Then after that, I'll announce, "BAZINGA! Work 365 days MY MINIONS!" Enough of bull shit. Nowadays, my life is all about Minesweeper, 9Gag and TV. BITCHYOUHAZNOLIFE! I don't want to talk to myself anymore, -.-! I find you annoying, shut up Shieng. okbaaai!

Things change, nothing lasts forever, applies to all those things around me now. Especially my nail colours and my hair! T.T! Three tone of black, red and platinum blonde had turned into black, dark brown and light brown. WHAT IS THIS? HAIR COLOUR, Y U NO STAY ON MY HAIR FOREVER?! I'm so pampered, been home for just a month and I've done nothing useful to the family. Maybe except painting the living room for ONE day. Better than nothing? D:

Dear Sim Ann,

I'm finally done and leaving, trust me. I really feel better now. I can feel the old me is coming back, but milder, no worries. ((: I'm glad you're around when I needed someone. I know I'm a big failure when it comes to your problem now, all I can do is laugh at you and make fun of your situation. Sorry. HAHAHA! I guess this is my way of comforting people, my way of showing people I care. Because if I really don't give two shits about you, I won't even bother responding. Sorry for being an insensitive ass. I love youu. :D

Tell your mummy, Shieng is going to smile, really really smile, happily.

I'm changing, to be better. At least I'm trying. Heh. (: Future awesome Shieng, I'll see you soon. xo.

- Went to a foreign country without my family.
- Rent a house, quite impulsively, glad that my housemates aren't psychos.
- Making new friends, great housemates.
- Did grocery shopping alone.
- Know the price of vegetables, fruits, meat and stuff.
- Wash my own clothes, operate the washing machine and dryer by myself.
- Went to church.
- Cooked and still suck at it.
- Took public transport and walked alone without the fear of being kidnap.
- Travelled to Perth and Sydney.
- Vomited on a flight.
- Cried for a paper that I thought I would fail.
- Learn a little Indonesian.
- Hair dyed in three tones.
- Had martabak! Craving for it now.
- Played Dota and Tetris Battle with housemates, lifeless moments. HAHA!
- Learned to download series and songs.
- Dislike coffee a little less, but still can't accept those made at home by myself.
- Witnessed random awesome kindness, felt it.
- Keep in touch with Sim Ann, receiving gift and letters from her.

These are things I did in 2011 which I consider as my first times, memorable? I don't know what to categorise this random things, but this is just part of the list. HAHA! Just felt like writing them down, to remind myself that I did learn a few things in 2011.

Eyes opened.

I'm really really sad that you turn out to be my Karma. (:

I'm waiting for that day, the day where I can be normal again. I'm tied up to a person who is not around anymore. I hope, wishful thinking. (:

I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away. In high school, I was biding my time until I could become the college version of myself, the one my mind could see so clearly. In college, the post-college “adult” person was always looming in front of me, smarter, stronger, more organized. Then the married person, then the person I’d become when we have kids. For twenty years, literally, I have waited to become the thin version of myself, because that’s when life will really begin. And through all that waiting, here I am. My life is passing, day by day, and I am waiting for it to start. I am waiting for that time, that person, that event when my life will finally begin.

I feel like jotting down this story somewhere, just in case I forgotten. All this blabbering is for the future me, and I suck at telling story, so if you guys find this boring then there's nothing much I can do about it. D: Ha.

I get to know this really nice girl in 2008, she was with her then boyf who I thought was her brother, because both of them are like a twins. Same clothing, same smile, and they go everywhere together. Really cute. I consider us a normal friends back then, not too close but more than just a hi-bye friends. After graduating, we just slowly drifted apart and she was just another of my ex-collegemate. Little did I know, she is going to have such impact on me years later.

In 2011, I met her again, this time in a different country. It was my orientation week and so happen she is studying in the same university as me. I joined the club that she was promoting, went for the meetings every week for one whole semester. She asked for my final exam timetable, she wished me every night/morning right before each of my paper. It's really nice and warm to receive such message knowing someone out there cares about me. My selfish self acted out again, so during the second semester I stopped going to the weekly meetings for the club. So, we sort of back to the whole normal friends stage again. Then she asked for my final exam timetable again, this semester. I was shocked because you know, I performed my whole selfish act for one semester. She did wished me for each papers. So, I met her a few days ago in Coles, she heard that I'm eating bread for dinner. So, she suggested to deliver the Pumpkin Risotto and Tiramisu that she cooked to my house.

I never believe that people can be genuinely nice, genuinely good. If you ask me this few years ago, I'll confidently tell you that this type of people already extinct. I don't know where did I learn this from, I've always categorized everyone as selfish and somehow it shaped me into being a very selfish person. To me, being nice is just for a show and I'll find all sorts of distorting reasons to explain a kind deed. But she showed me, they haven't extinct just yet. Everything she does, I can't find any reason to not believe that her kindness is real. Who is she trying to show off her act of kindness to when she did all those things to me? No one. To be honest, I don't think I'll be able to do all the things she did for me, to some random friend.

I learned a lot from her, Thank you. I doubt you'll ever read this but thank you. (: You made a girl in Melbourne feels at home again, a girl who was mentally lost for awhile because loneliness and homesickness are eating her up.

I was in an emotional roller coaster ride for the past weeks, emotionally wrecked. I even succumbed to thinking negatively of everyone's actions, in order to make myself feel better. I keep planting negative thoughts into myself and trying to convince myself that everything is going to screw up no matter what I do. Then I'll feel guilty for doing that, the cycle will just keep repeating, going round and round. At one point, I thought this crap is never going to end. I felt as though the whole world is against me. I'm glad I climbed out from the hellhole which I dug and buried myself into. I can't say I'm entirely fine now, but I'm better, at least I think so. I took off my glasses, cleaned them and looked through everything in a clearer view now. All in all, we had a good time, memories, feelings and lessons from each other. You taught me a lot, I'm grateful for that. (: I don't want to ever forget that, I don't want to feel the guilt of putting you into the forever-negative box.

One day, I'll laugh reading this post. Or maybe I'll struggle thinking who was this post dedicated to? LMAO! Because Sim Ann has already forgotten her addiction on May 2010, maybe same thing will happen to me. For now, I honestly hope I won't forget this. This ambiguous thing that I once treasured and hold on so tightly to it until I lost myself for awhile. Ha. (:

Thnks fr th mmrs.